Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Footnotes

Almost a year since the Deepwater Horizon blew up, killing 11 men and spilling an estimated 5 million barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. The explosion and spill were riveting news for nearly 2 months. The major American networks broadcast live video of oil gushing from the wellhead along with non-stop TV commercials from BP, a PR assault designed to show how concerned the oil giant was for the welfare of the Gulf ecosystem and the people who depend on it for their living.

BP pledged to make it right. Of course, pledging to do something and actually doing it are quite different things. Like any self-serving corporation, BP ducked and dodged as much responsibility as it could, blaming Transocean, the rig owner, and Halliburton, the oil services giant for being the root cause of the disaster. Not to be outdone, Transocean blamed BP and Halliburton blamed Transocean, and Republicans blamed Obama, and the Democrats blamed Republicans, and the dish ran away with the spoon, and the cow broke a leg trying to jump over the moon.

Meanwhile, oil continued to gush into the sea.

On the ground, the United States Coast Guard and BP kept journalists away from beaches and out of the airspace above the spill area. It was odd to see a government agency conspiring with a multinational corporation to limit access to a disaster zone. It was equally odd to see President Obama cheerleading for Gulf seafood and tourism – as if the spill was nothing more than a minor inconvenience, a blip that should not deter business as usual. Obama talked tough, as he always does, about accountability and oversight and stricter regulation of the oil industry, but then left the clean up to BP.

Once BP finally figured out how to cap the well, the story slowly vanished from the airwaves, which is no doubt what BP and other oil industry giants had hoped for. To be sure, BP took its lumps in the media, smarmy CEO Tony Hayward proved to be a train wreck, and the claims process BP created worked as designed, paying out as few claims as possible in the longest amount of time possible, frustrating Gulf residents.

Claims are still being paid slowly and research efforts on the effects of the spill are tied up in red tape.

In other words, standard procedure on this fruited plain. Kid gloves for the powerful, tough love for the powerless, along with years of court cases, motions, denials and appeals – a lawyer’s dream, a plaintiff’s nightmare.

Yes, it’s perverse.

12 months later. What became of those 5 million barrels of oil and the thousands of gallons of chemical dispersants deployed by BP? Are we to believe that the Gulf is undamaged, as good as new, back to normal, healthy? According to Sam Champion of Good Morning America and research done for ABC by Texas Tech, yes, the Gulf is once again fine.

Would you eat Gulf seafood or feed it to your children?

And what of the 11 men who died? Why are they little more than a footnote to this tale? Is it because working men and women in America are disposable?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Happy Meals

Is McDonald’s an exemplary American corporation or what?

In this time of economic hardship for millions of American workers and their kith and kin, McDonald’s has done what Bank of America, Citibank and Goldman Sachs could never do: hire 50,000 workers on a single day.

Amazing. What a powerful gesture! Why should Americans build cars, trucks, airplanes, refrigerators, gas ranges, microwave ovens, flat screen TV’s, computers, skip loaders, cell phones, furniture and toilets when we can put people to work building Big Macs!

Let the Chinese build cars and computers and leave the re-heating of apple turnovers to Americans. While the Chinese are erecting bridges and constructing highways and high-speed rail systems, Americans will be building millions of fillet-o-fish sandwiches! I’d like to see the Chinese do the same! Nobody on this planet can handle a busy drive-through window the way Americans can. “Would you like fries with that? Can I interest you in a delicious vanilla milkshake? How about a super-sized ice cold Coke? Do you need ketchup for your fries?”

Think of what this generous deed will do for our fellow Americans. All the prestige of wearing the famous McDonald’s uniform and working in the shadow of the Golden Arches, along with a minimum wage guaranteed by the federal government. And – don’t worry – even after a 40-hour week you will still qualify for whatever poverty programs remain after Congressman Paul Ryan finishes building his Path to Prosperity. Health insurance is way overrated, and who really needs a retirement plan? McDonald’s hires elderly folk, too. Start young, work hard and who knows, in ten years you might move up to night shift supervisor.

Yep, it’s about time a major American corporation stepped to the plate and delivered for the average American working person. While the financial giants are hoarding their cash and paying out titanic bonuses, McDonald’s is walking the talk, investing in the little people.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Fly in the Ointment

I am a common house fly, Musca domestica for you scientific types, and I like to hang around garbage cans, but the other day I got blown off course by a gust of wind and through the front doors of the U.S. Capitol. Nice place, very dignified and inspiring, but far too clean for my liking – I prefer a nice backyard BBQ on a muggy DC day, with Cole slaw and potato salad and lots of chicken grease.

Anyway, down gleaming corridors I flew, this way and that, until I detected a promising odor coming from this huge, ornate office. Zipping in for a closer inspection, I saw four men sitting around a long conference table, eating Chinese take-out off paper plates. Nirvana!

Now, being a common housefly, I don’t pay much attention to the doings of humans, unless, as I said, they happen to be having a backyard BBQ on a hot summer day, but in my line it’s next to impossible not to pick up information from discarded newspapers and TV screens and computers.

The man sitting at the head of the long table had an orange tinge to his skin and I immediately knew he was John Boehner, Speaker of the House. Sitting to Boehner’s right, looking like an overeager altar boy, was the one and only Eric Cantor. The third man was harder to identify as he was stuffing his mouth with mushu pork, but then I recognized him: Paul Ryan, the GOP’s budget Wonder boy.

The fourth man was a mystery until Boehner said, “Hey Grover, try this beef broccoli. It’s delicious.” Well, even a housefly knows that Grover was none other than Grover Norquist, anti-tax champion and political strategist.

After flying a quick recon around the table I took up a position on the wall where I could both listen and keep an eye on the egg rolls.

John Boehner: We’ve got that skinny bastard back on his heels. You gotta’ love the way he concedes his position before negotiations even begin. If Obama was a used car salesman he’d give the damn things away.

Eric Cantor: Our message of austerity is resonating with the American people! We’re putting government back in its proper place! Low taxes, small government, minimal interference in the lives of people, these are the ingredients for a strong economy.

Grover Norquist: No tax increases, ever. Gentlemen join hands with me and swear that you will never vote for a tax increase of any kind, ever.

Paul Ryan: By killing entitlement programs we instantly shrink the size of government. A few seniors might be inconvenienced, but if the result is a sound economy and a thriving business climate for our corporate allies, it will be worth it.

John Boehner: I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps, and if I can do it, by God, anyone can. Did I ever tell you about my dad’s tavern? I put myself through college unloading kegs of beer for my old man... (Sniffles, begins to tear up.)

Fly: Boehner’s skin really is orange.

Eric Cantor: We know, John. It’s a great story, an American story, but let’s focus on keeping the pressure on the President. The debate over the debt ceiling will be his Waterloo. Politically, the only thing he can do is move toward our position.

Paul Ryan: Voters understand that the deficit is a ticking time bomb.

Fly: Boy, that fried rice looks delectable.

Grover Norquist: Big government is the cause of big deficits.

Fly: Funny, I thought a decade of irresponsible tax cuts for the wealthy and pointless foreign wars caused huge deficits, but apparently I am misinformed.

Paul Ryan: The deficit is a noose around the necks of our children and grandchildren!

Fly: At least two Nobel laureates in Economics believe otherwise, but apparently they too are misinformed.

John Boehner (Laughing): Damn, it was easy to get Obama to buy into deficit reduction. He swallowed that hook like a fat bass and ran clear to the middle of the bay.

Grover Norquist: Obama has no balls.

Eric Cantor: But he makes a lovely speech, I’ll give him that.

Grover Norquist: Empty eloquence is no eloquence. The man will not fight for what he believes in once he encounters the smallest amount of resistance. In practical terms, the President is a pansy.

Eric Cantor: What we must do is lower tax rates on the producers and entrepreneurs, on small business owners and venture capitalists so that they can invest and grow an economy that will lift everyone up.

Fly: I’m just a fly, but haven’t you people been drinking this trickle down Kool-Aid for like, I don’t know, 30 years? How’s it working for you? Is your boat rising or sinking?

Paul Ryan: We will end the welfare state because we must end the welfare state.

Fly: Does that include corporate welfare – or are you just going to pick on senior citizens and single mothers?

John Boehner: Shoo fly, get out of here.

Just for jollies, I buzzed Eric Cantor’s nose, considered a kamikaze run up his left nostril, then changed my mind and landed on Grover’s ear where I took a satisfying crap. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, year after year, and expecting a different outcome than you’ve been getting, then these guys are ready for the rubber room. No wonder your country is teetering on the abyss. You elect complete idiots to do your civic business!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Satire: Looking for Mr. Lincoln

A few days ago my wife and I took our kids to Disneyland, happiest place on Earth, home of Mickey and Minnie and overpriced food and souvenirs. After twelve hours and eighteen attractions, we stopped to take in Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln.

Uncle Walt had a deep, if somewhat uncritical love for Abraham Lincoln, and the short show with the animatronic Lincoln is a paean to an America that likely never existed. As I watched the show I thought of Robert E. Lee, U.S. Grant, William T. Sherman and William Seward, and it struck me, as I sat there listening to the stirring theme music -- that there are more great men and women in our past than in our present – at least in the political realm.

Nowadays our politicians are moral and intellectual pipsqueaks who spend all their time jockeying for legislative power and the upper hand in the next election cycle, currying favor with corporate donors, and spouting total nonsense to journalists who take down their BS without question.

The nitwits in DC would rather play ideological chicken and shut the federal government down than act like grown-ups and do what’s in the best interests of the nation.

We’re far down the rabbit hole now and I don’t think our chances of crawling out are good. Business as usual won’t cut the mustard. It’s time for the United States to go whole hog nuts and to this end I make the following suggestions:

Suspend the 2012 presidential election season and have the Supreme Court declare Michelle Bachmann President and Glen Beck Vice President;

Mandate that the Democratic and Republican parties merge. Leadership positions in the new party will be decided by duels with Glock 9MM pistols at a range of no more than 10 paces for male members and 12 paces for female members; duels will be televised live on the Fox television network and be hosted by Ryan Seacrest, with celebrity judges Newt Gingrich, Tom DeLay and Sarah Palin;

Enact a special tax on fast food workers to reimburse the major networks for advertising revenue lost during the suspended Presidential election season;

Abolish all taxes on the 500 wealthiest Americans and all corporations with a minimum valuation of $50 million;

Institute military conscription for any able-bodied man or woman less than 55 years old and with a working IQ above 85 and with an income at or below the Federal poverty level;

Invade and occupy Libya and Yemen;

Assume direct control of all poppy cultivation and heroin manufacturing in Afghanistan and task Donald Rumsfeld with increasing the sale of American heroin in China and India; profits from this venture will be distributed equally to the 500 wealthiest Americans;

To avoid the cost of long-term health care for military veterans, all injured, disabled, maimed, wounded or psychologically unstable personnel will be sent to Cuba where they can receive free, comprehensive health care. If the Castro Regime refuses to provide such services, Cuba will be carpet-bombed until a capitulation is achieved; should Cuba prove unable to handle the caseload, the U.S. will invade Canada;

Privatize all U.S. military services under a single umbrella called the Fossil Fuels Protection Corporation and appoint David Petraeus head of the FFPC at a guaranteed annual salary of $150 million;

Enact a tax on domestic beer sales to raise funds for the FFPC and the intelligence community, but also exempt domestic brewers from federal income taxes and provide them tax credits so that no profits are lost;

Abolish the Federal minimum wage and institute slave labor at a daily wage less than the prevailing wage in China;

Ban all labor unions, including the Screen Actors Guild;

Re-train unemployed teachers, firefighters, and police officers as domestic servants for the wealthy, and pay them five cents per hour more than slave laborers;

Relocate, by force if necessary, all homeless people in the U.S. to the under-populated city of Detroit;

Destroy the Lincoln Memorial and erect a new memorial to former Vice President Dick Cheney.