Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Some Tongue-in-Cheek political commentary

I wrote this little satire several months ago; obviously, it makes no difference now because the other side won.

BUSH & CO. SPEAK PLAINLY


Donald Rumsfeld:

“What I knew and when I knew it? I’m not sure I can answer that, I mean, I have no specific recollection of what I knew or when I knew it, or even if I knew what I knew when I thought I knew it. This is a fluid process, but let me assure you that I’m very sure of what I know now as opposed to what I didn’t know then. I can’t say that I know now what I didn’t know then, but I’m fairly certain that my recollection of what I cannot recollect is accurate.”

George W. Bush:

“I’m the President and we’re at war, so that makes me a wartime President.”

Dick Cheney:

“I see no conflict of interest in my relationship with Halliburton and frankly, I’m not going to answer questions of this nature again.”

Laura Bush:

“Yes, from time to time I read the President a bedtime story. What’s wrong with that?”

Condi Rice:

“I believe the WMD will be found in time. Saddam knows where they are and we have Saddam, therefore, we also, de facto, have the WMD. The fact that we don’t have them physically – that we can’t touch or inspect them – doesn’t mean they do not exist, and anyone who claims otherwise is simply engaging in anti-American rhetoric.”

Donald Rumsfeld:

“Abusing the abusers in a war zone is not the same as torturing the torturers during peace time. I mean, it’s the same thing as a golfer; is a golfer still a golfer when he’s not playing golf? I mean, at what point does a golfer cease to become a golfer and become something else? ”

George W. Bush:

“I have been to the mountaintop and I know there is no evil in the American heart. None. Take my word for it. We are righteous and our motives are as pure as the driven sand, er, snow. The transformational power of snow is very great. Anyone who says otherwise simply doesn’t understand how the world works.”

Dick Cheney:

“Exporting jobs overseas is good for America. Why? I don’t feel compelled to explain why and in fact I believe I have a constitutional right not to explain. The fact of the matter is that the more American jobs we export the more our economy grows. Anyone who says otherwise simply does not grasp the complexities of global economics. It’s perfectly clear that the more jobs we export to India, the richer Americans become.”

John Ashcroft

I believe the best way to preserve civil liberties is to take them away. Our civil liberties may be the basis for our freedom, but it is our freedom which renders us insecure and vulnerable to attack. Anyone who claims otherwise is simply unpatriotic. We can be free or safe but we can’t be both.


Laura Bush:

“Well, we’re still reading the first Harry Potter story. How long have we been reading it? I don’t see how that’s relative. It’s a very complicated story. Anyone who says otherwise hasn’t read the book.”

Condi Rice:

“It’s not fair to say that none of us read the pre-war intelligence reports, although I have no specific recollection at this time of what those reports might have contained, but my guess is that they contained intelligence.”

Donald Rumsfeld:

“What’s the difference between abuse and torture? Well, if I go home after a lousy day and kick my dog, that’s abuse. If I hold him down and stick a needle in his paw, that’s torture. I can assure you that no animals were tortured or abused in the Abu Ghairb prison – at least that I’m aware of, and I’m certain that I’m not aware of any.“

Dick Cheney:

“I see nothing unethical or unlawful about taking a Supreme Court justice duck hunting. All we did was shoot ducks and drink whiskey and there’s nothing illegal about that. Democrats have made baseless accusations that I plied Justice Scalia with Jack Daniels and tried to influence his thinking. This is utterly false. We drank Johnny Walker Black and talked ducks, nothing more.”

George W. Bush:

“Love Harry Potter. There’s nothin’ better than a good fantasy.”






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