Dr. Duke for School Board

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I was feeling blue over the weekend and figured it was time to pay Dr. Duke a visit. I found him in the late afternoon, sitting on the porch of his rambling, termite-ravaged house, a margarita and a bong on the round table next to him. He was plunking sparrows with ball bearings shot from a homemade slingshot. “These friggin’ birds are disturbing my peace,” he said, taking aim at an oak on the edge of his lot. His pupils were dilated and there was no telling how much tequila he’d consumed. He generally woke around noon, roused himself from bed by one, did two lines of coke, drank six cups of black coffee, ate three Texas grapefruits, read the Los Angeles Times, the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times front page to last, checked his stock portfolio and called his eighty-nine-year-old mother, who lived in Florida and was still convinced that the Republicans stole the 2000 presidential election. He meditated two hours every night. He’d once owned a pawn shop.

Duke laid the slingshot down and fixed me with his stoner eyes. “Tell me your troubles, grasshopper.”

“Just fighting the same old shit, Doc. The grind, the rut, the choking routine.”

“Not to mention the fascists running this once great republic. Why isn’t Dick Cheney in a prison cell with a bunch of unwashed homeboys, getting his bell rung every hour on the hour? It’s damn hard to keep the faith with Dick and W running the show. That’s one reason I consume as many illicit drugs as my system can handle. Don’t suppose you want a hit? Good shit, man, guaranteed to clear the BS from your head, get you back to a place of clarity. No? OK, more for me. Hey, what’s the deal with those people you work for?”

“What people?” I asked.

“The school board. The governing body of the local schools, the five duly elected representatives of the people. I caught a few minutes of the last board meeting and couldn’t decide if I was watching a kangaroo court, a freak show, or a farce. I learned more about the Brown Act than I ever wanted to know. Was a crime committed or was it simply an act of pure ego on the part of one board member? Christ, what a waste of time.”

“I read about it in the newspaper,” I said.

Duke pointed a butane-powered BBQ lighter at me and pulled the trigger. A two-inch flame shot out. He laughed and applied the flame to his bong.

“A hundred and one pressing issues and they spend hours yakking about the Brown Act, who said what, who disclosed what, and correct me if I’m wrong here, but didn’t it seem like every freak, fanatic and fruitloop in the community came out for two minutes of fame? Sort of proves the case against Democracy, against giving too much say-so to the ignorant masses. No wonder the oligarchs rig elections and pull shenanigans to hold onto power. Public education is all well and good, if the public could only be excluded.”

Duke loaded another bearing and let fly.

“That may have been the impetus behind the exercise,” I said.

“So, one member violates the law to dramatize the importance of adhering to the law. Sounds like Karl Rove’s playbook.”

“Dramatize might be the key word there. Some people have a Jones for the spotlight, for seeing their byline in the newspaper, for acting as a lone crusader, always holding back the tide of a corrupt system.”

“I’d rather modify my brain chemistry with illicit drugs,” Duke said, “although my regimen isn’t for the faint of heart. According to my personal physician, I should have died twelve years ago. Hey, here’s a thought: perhaps I’ll run for school board, give this fine community the benefit of my experience and hard won wisdom. Dr. Duke for School Board. Has a ring to it.”

“You got some platform in mind?”

“Of course not, but something will come to me, something simple and catchy. It doesn’t take that many votes to win a seat and I can mobilize an army of miscreants, former felons, crooked real estate agents, reformed drug dealers, retired pimps. Hell yes, I can see it now. We’ll scare the bejesus out of the establishment. And if push comes to shove, I can quote the Federalist Papers just as well as the next old goat!”