Straight Talk

Editor's Note: Things haven't been going the McCain Campaign's way of late, and some in his inner circle are becoming worried that McCain is flat-lining when he should be peaking for the GOP convention. The charge that a vote for McCain is the same thing as voting for a third Bush term rankles the Arizona Senator as much as the charge that he's too cozy with DC lobbyists.

McCain tried to set the record straight at a recent press conference.

McCain: Hey guys.

Press: Hi John!

McCain: I have a statement and then I’ll take your questions. Most of you guys have been on my campaign bus, so you know I like straight-talk, not elitist twisting of the facts. Some liberal media outlets have reported that a vote for McCain is a vote for George W. Bush’s third term. That’s a lot of hogwash. John McCain has his own agenda for America. OK, that’s it, short and sweet. Fire away!

Press: Mr. McCain, what is your stance on taxes?

McCain: I stand firmly on the principle that taxes are bad. My position is simple: no new taxes on business or the American people, ever.

Press: Mr. McCain, by nearly every measure the economy is in rough shape. How do you plan to turn it around?

McCain: Frankly, I disagree with you. The fundamentals of our economy are strong. What we need to do is cut taxes. Taxes are killing us.

Press: No offense, sir, but thanks to the tax cuts enacted by the Bush Administration, corporate and individual tax rates are at historically low levels.

McCain: Listen, pal, if you disagree with me again I won’t let you on my campaign bus. No more free booze or cozy access to me and my staff for you. Read my lips: taxes are the problem. Cut taxes and the economy will take off like a cruise missile.

Press: Speaking of missiles, what are you planning to do about Iran?

McCain: Well, I was a military man and I know that we can’t let tyrants get hold of nuclear weapons. If Iran acts up, threatens its neighbors, Iran will pay the price. If Iran wants to test John McCain’s will, John McCain will not hesitate to respond.

Press: Given that the US is bogged down in Iraq and Afghanistan, is it wise to confront Iran militarily?

McCain: What are you suggesting, that America cut and run? You sound like Senator Obama. Look, the only thing that Iran understands is force. We have to do whatever it takes to keep Iran from acquiring a nuclear device, and if that means military action, so be it.

Press: Switching subjects for a moment, health care is of great concern to the American people. What is your health policy?

McCain: Tax cuts and the free market. My opponent supports socialized medicine, I don’t. Next question?

Press: Mr. McCain, do you think the US can drill its way out of its energy problems or are renewable fuels like wind and solar power the answer?

McCain: We drill, we win our independence. What we need to do is provide tax incentives to oil companies for expanded exploration. The government should get out of the way of oil companies and let them do what they do best.

Press: Mr. McCain, best estimates by the oil industry itself is that the US only has 2% of the world’s oil reserves. If that’s correct, domestic exploration won’t come close to meeting the country’s needs.

McCain: I don’t buy it. Keep your engine tuned and your tires inflated. Stop talking like a defeatist.

Press: Major oil companies are making record profits. Why should the taxpayers subsidize expanded exploration by Exxon?

McCain: Because that’s how business gets done in America.

Press: Mr. McCain, you’ve surrounded yourself with advisors who trained under Karl Rove, and it has been widely reported that your campaign is taking the low road. How do you respond?

McCain: I don’t. John McCain lives on the high road. I’ve never taken the low road in my life. People who insinuate that my campaign is taking the low road are un-American and unpatriotic. I don’t surround myself with lobbyists, either. With John McCain you get straight-talk and a new direction for America.

Press: Gee, no offense Mr. McCain, but your positions sound positively Bush-like!

McCain: No beer for you!