To prove that the McCain Campaign isn’t sheltering Sarah Palin from media scrutiny, John McCain and Palin are hitting the campaign trail and speaking with reporters – at least those reporters screened by Blackwater for Liberal tendencies, anti-McCain attitude or fact-based skepticism. What follows is the transcript of a press conference that took place recently in eastern Ohio.
Fox News: Governor Palin, what shade of lipstick are you wearing today?
Palin: This is hardwood-rose, a good outdoorsy shade, don’t you think?
Fox News: It’s lovely, Governor. How do you feel about taxation?
Palin: Taxation is bad. I support lowering the tax burden on hard working Americans.
CNN: Governor, do you think women who supported Hillary Clinton will support you?
Palin: I don’t see why not. They’re women, I’m a woman, so I expect they’ll vote for me.
McCain: I want to remind you that my opponent never spent time in a North Vietnamese prison camp.
Palin: And let me add that I read about North Vietnam on Wikipedia.
Correspondent from the Nation magazine, sneaking past Security: Excuse me, can we talk about the economy, please.
Fox News: Who let that leftist agitator in? Governor Palin, how do you juggle your official duties and a large family?
Nation Correspondent, before being assaulted with pepper spray: What about Iraq, the illegal invasion and occupation…you bastards – get your hands off me, this is still AMERICA!
Palin: Well, my husband, the First Dude, is really good about helping out around the house. He doesn’t cook, but he will wash windows and do laundry.
CNN: Isn’t she wonderful!
Fox News: She’s electric! She has single-handedly re-energized the Republican Party! McCain is a genius for selecting her as his running mate!
NBC News: John, good to see you again. Do you believe – as President Bush does – that the fundamentals of the economy are strong?
McCain: The economy is robust, the envy of the world. And did I mention that I served time in a Vietnamese POW camp? Let me just say this: Republicans put America first. My opponent will coddle America’s enemies. My opponent doesn’t know what it’s like to survive in a POW camp.
Palin: I gave every citizen of Alaska a tax rebate!
CNN: Governor, I’m sorry to ask this question, forgive me, but did you support the infamous Bridge to Nowhere?
Palin: I did not – I fought against that silly bridge. I don’t know why the Liberal establishment keeps insisting that I supported the Bridge. Clearly, the Liberal establishment is against me – and against women in general.
CBS News correspondent, second row, whispered to ABC News correspondent: I love her but she’s lying. She supported the Bridge and tried to secure more Federal dough for similar projects. She only opposed it when it became a political embarrassment for Senator Stevens. I should do my job and ask a tough follow-up, but isn’t she just wonderful?
Fox News: John, is this election about character?
McCain: Absolutely. And unlike my opponent, my character was molded during my years in a POW camp.
Palin: It’s more important to have character than to be a character. I read that in a book, actually.
Fox News: Governor, the Obama Campaign has made a number of scurrilous attacks against you for an alleged lack of experience in foreign policy. How do you respond?
Palin: First of all, there’s no tougher species of female than a hockey mom. Second, I am the commander-in-chief of the Alaskan National Guard – the front line of America’s defense against a Russian invasion of our glorious nation. I have a uniform and everything. If the Russians want a fight, the ANG is ready for them. Bring ‘em on Vladimir is what I say. Did you know that you can see Russia from Alaska?
Fox News: OMG! OMG! I’m so excited I think I just soiled myself.
Amy Goodman, Democracy Now Host, shoving past Security: This is supposed to be a serious press conference about serious issues! What do either one of you have to say about the trashing of the Constitution, illegal spying on American citizens or the shameful treatment of our veterans?
(Seconds after she asked this question Goodman and her film crew were tasered by State Troopers and arrested.)
Palin: I think I believe in Law & Order, and I’m pretty sure I read the Constitution when it came out in paperback. And I just watched my son ship off to serve his country in Iraq – against the very people who plotted and launched the terrible attacks of September 11.
ABC News correspondent whispered to CBS News correspondent: Oops. I guess Sarah missed the memo from Karl Rove. Well, she’s still amazing even though she doesn’t seem to understand that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. Smarts are overrated in politics anyway.
McCain: I don’t feel the need to respond to insolent questions. After all, I was a POW.
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