Dick Cheney scares the daylights out of most people, particularly the flunkies who ride herd on guests for NBC’s Meet the Press. The staff is used to dealing with ego-maniacal opinion makers, notorious skirt chasers like Bill Clinton, liars of all stripes, and John McCain, whose mercurial outbursts are legend, but when it comes to inspiring naked Fear, no man in America can compete with Dick Cheney.
Cheney is Count Dracula, Darth Vader, the creature from Alien and Freddy Kruger rolled into one imposing package. When Cheney enters the Green Room all conversation stops, the coffee pot flickers on and off, the bagels turn ice cold and the cream cheese melts. The only person who dares look Cheney in the eye is Paul, the Dominican guy who runs the pantry. Paul eats raw garlic for breakfast and wears a necklace of rooster talons, blessed by the most powerful witch in the entire Dominican. Paul thinks that Cheney looks like every old, uptight and constipated white guy he’s ever seen.
The Interview with David Gregory
DG: With us today on Meet the Press is former Vice President Dick Cheney. May I call you Dick?
DC: Call me Mr. Cheney or Mr. Vice President. If you call me Dick I’ll sever your scrotum sack from your body and wrap it around your neck.
DG: Fair enough. Mr. Cheney, you’ve been a vocal critic of the Obama Administration when it comes to national security and what are now called Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, such as the type used on Al Qaeda members.
DC: (Snarling) Obama’s a pansy. The United States is in danger from extremist elements. I see no sense in coddling these blood-thirsty people. If we have to keep some rabid rag-head awake for three weeks so he’ll tell us what we need to know, so what? The security of the American people supersedes all other considerations. Our support of Enhanced Interrogation Techniques saved hundreds, if not thousands, of American lives, and in my book, American lives are the only lives that matter.
DG: What do you base that figure on?
DC: (Staring coldly) I base it on the fact that I know things that you don’t.
DG: President Obama says that compromising our values and respect for the rule of law makes us less safe in the long run.
DC: I disagree.
DG: Would you care to expand on that?
DC: Do I look like I do?
DG: Is water-boarding torture?
DC: No. Anybody who says the opposite is a spineless wimp. I’d dunk the Pope to prevent another 9/11.
DG: You’d water-board the Pope?
DC: Without a moment’s hesitation. I’d strip him naked, throw him in a cage with starving rats, and if that failed, give him the H2O.
DG: Let me ask you a hypothetical question: if Rush Limbaugh were suspected of being a terrorist, would you water-board him?
DC: No. Limbaugh’s a patriot and a great American. He would never do anything to harm the United States of America. I wish I could say the same about President Obama. Maybe we should subject the President to water-boarding, eh? He could use some toughening up. The man doesn’t understand the realities of this hard, brutal world. No matter what the United States does, it’s always justified and always morally and ethically proper. Anybody who claims otherwise should move to Cuba.
DG: On a lighter note, have you spoken with President Bush lately?
DC: Why would I? I rarely spoke to him when I was running the country.
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