The health care bill passed by a narrow margin late Sunday night, with every member of the Republican party voting nay. Afterwards, while the Democrats were hooting and hollering to beat the band, slapping one another on the back, dancing in the polished corridors, jabbering into cell phones and sending out Twitter messages to their supporters, a group of Republicans including John McCain, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner and Tom Coburn gathered in McCain’s cavernous office.
“How about a beer, John?” McCain asked Boehner.
“Hell no!” Boehner snarled. “Gimme scotch, straight up.”
“I’ll take a club soda if you have any,” Senator Coburn, an M.D. in his previous incarnation, said.
“Kentucky sour mash,” Mitch McConnell said, dropping on the sofa. “I’ve got two words for Barack Obama: Tea Party!”
“Gay people are tearing apart the moral fabric of our nation,” said Senator Coburn, bowing his head in silent prayer.
McConnell looked at his colleague, shrugged his shoulders, and raised his glass in mock toast. “With this bill, socialism has come to America. There’s no going back, my friends.”
“Hell no!” Boehner said. “I will not let Democrats slap a tax on tanning salons or on decent Americans who want the freedom to stay tanned year round.”
McCain’s cell phone rang. “Oh shit,” he said, “it’s that dingbat, Sarah Palin. What the fuck can she want? Hey, Sarah, what’s up? Yeah, the bill passed. Why? Well, the other side has more votes than we do. Yeah, sure, I hear what you’re saying but we couldn’t refuse to vote on the bill, it doesn’t work that way. We’ll do our best to tie it up in the Senate with procedural moves, but at the end of the day, the lefties have the votes. What’s that? No, I haven’t looked at your FaceBook page. OK, OK, I’ve got to run. Talk to ya’ later.”
McCain snapped his cell phone shut. “Crazy fucking broad. She’d still be a nobody if it weren’t for me.”
“And you might be president if you’d picked a different running mate,” said Mitch McConnell. “Oh, well, water under the bridge.”
“Hell no!” Boehner said, slamming his glass down on McCain’s desk. “The people of America are angry, I’m angry, my mother’s angry.”
“Is your mother on Medicare, John?” McCain asked with a wink.
“As a matter of fact she is,” Boehner said. “Are you calling me a hypocrite?”
“Who will join me in prayer?” asked Tom Coburn.
“May all Democrats go straight to hell,” said McCain.
“Amen,” said Mitch McConnell.
“Amen,” echoed John Boehner. “Another club soda, Tom? I can’t believe you don’t drink. How the hell can you stay sane in this commie town without a stiff drink now and then?”
“I lean on the Lord,” Coburn said.
Mitch McConnell rolled his eyes. “Where was the Lord tonight, Tom? Why did He sit by and allow the Democrats to shove this terrible bill down the throats of the American people?”
“Ah, shit, Mitch,” Boehner said, “you know as well as we do that the Lord works in mysterious ways. C’mon, how we going to repeal this piece of crap?”
McCain refilled his glass. “We’re going to obstruct, delay, reject, and refuse to ratify anything the Administration proposes from this day forward. We’re going to get back to our core values – protecting the American people from terrorists, exploiting natural resources, and providing tax relief to the wealthy.”
“Hell yes!” Boehner said. “And when we regain control of the House and I become Speaker, I will wreak terrible vengeance on the Democrats.”
“Amen,” said Tom Coburn. “I raise my glass of club soda to that.”
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