Duke Meets the Flatfoots

I hadn’t seen or heard much of Dr. Duke since his botched suicide attempt. Aside from a postcard from Maui, a cryptic e-mail that alluded to a baby shower, and another postcard from Portland, Maine, I hadn’t had a word, and the one time I went by his house he wasn’t home.

For once the call came at a reasonable hour – 6:15 a.m. – and that alone should have put me on alert.

“Two FBI agents just left my house,” Duke said.

“I’m about to read the New York Times,” I said.

“The hell with that lying rag,” Duke said. “Did you hear what I said?”

“Talk,” I said.

The agents rapped on Duke’s front door at 3:30 a.m., perhaps hoping to catch him off-guard, clearly unaware that Duke is a nocturnal creature – more alert at 3:30 a.m. than he is at high noon. One agent was named Connors and the other was named Stevens -- both from the National Security Branch of the Los Angeles field office. Badges and credentials were scrutinized carefully and found to be in order. Connors, the older of the two, wore wingtips and a Brooks Brothers suit and reminded Duke of a CPA; Stevens was new to the trade and wore a Hugo Boss suit and shiny new loafers; Duke disliked him from the jump. It was the fresh out of college gung-ho attitude and the Oklahoma accent.

“Good thing I wasn’t smoking a joint,” Duke said. “That would have been awkward.”

More curious than alarmed, Duke showed the agents into his living room, offered them coffee, and got himself a Corona. He didn’t have anything better to do as he was between romantic entanglements, and sparring verbally with a couple of Federal agents broke the monotony and promised mental stimulation.

The agents made it clear that Duke wasn’t being charged with any crime, nor was he a suspect. Specifically, he was a person of interest in an ongoing investigation.

‘That’s mildly reassuring,’ Duke said. ‘On the other hand, the FBI is sitting in my living room at 3:30 in the morning. What are you investigating and how does it relate to me?’

‘It’s purely routine,’ Connors said.

‘Routine,’ Duke repeated. ‘But ongoing you say. What should I make of that?’

‘Let’s cut to the chase,’ Stevens said. ‘This is a dangerous time for the United States. The War on Terror is real – more real than most Americans understand. We want to know why you support radical groups like the NAACP and the ACLU?’

‘Since when is the NAACP and the ACLU considered radical? You have something against the Bill of Rights?’

‘I love my country,’ Stevens said, ‘which is more – ‘

‘What Agent Stevens means,’ Connors said with a smile, ‘is that the security terrain changed drastically after 9/11. Large amounts of information come into the field office and the Bureau is duty bound to investigate some of that information. I’m sure you understand, Professor Duke. Political Science, wasn’t it?’

‘You got a file on me? Should I be insulted or honored? This is becoming more interesting by the minute. OK, so you guys are just here doing your sworn duty by asking a retired poly sci prof about the non-profit groups he’s a member of. Of course you must know that I’m also a member of the AARP and a supporter of the March of Dimes. I assume you also know that I subscribe to the Nation, Mother Jones and Penthouse.’

‘You travel quite a bit, don’t you Professor?’ Connors asked.

‘I’m retired. I get bored easily and need stimulation. Travel is rejuvenating, not to mention an excellent way to meet women.’

‘Do you have any Muslim friends or acquaintances?’ Stevens asked.

‘Is your partner serious?’ Duke said to Connors. ‘Doesn’t the FBI put recruits through a rigorous training program? Obviously, a reject slips through every now and then. Where’d you go to school, Stevens?’

‘Texas Tech,’ Stevens replied with pride.

‘College Republican?’

‘All four years. How’d you know?’

‘Just a wild guess. You admire Newt Gingrich, don’t you?’

‘I think he’s a great American. Do you believe in a Christian god, Professor?’

‘How is that relevant, Agent Stevens?’

‘What about the Bible – do you believe that the Bible is the true word of God?’

Duke looked at Connors, who shrugged, as if to say, ”Hey, he’s just my partner.”

‘As a work of fiction the bible is OK,’ Duke said, ‘but the Good Book is too riddled with contradictions to be taken seriously. The concept of God – just, loving or vengeful -- has never worked for me.’

Stevens furiously jotted notes while Connors rubbed his chin and asked Duke about some academic papers he had written about the Black Panthers ten years ago. Connors wanted to know if Duke believed that violence was a viable political tool.

‘With apologies to Dr. King and the Mahatma, the use of violence can’t be ruled out. Sometimes there is no other way to influence the prevailing order to change. It depends on the context, on the opposition, and on the capacities of the people involved. I’d like to think that non-violent tactics always work, but I know they don’t. I don’t believe that non-violence alone would have changed the apartheid government in South Africa, for instance. Mandela said much the same thing.’

‘Do you consider yourself a radical, Professor?’ Stevens asked.

‘Define radical, Agent Stevens.’

‘A person intent on the overthrow of the existing social, economic or political order.’

Duke laughed. ‘Hell, as far as I’m concerned this is a golden age in this great country of ours. I like my democracy perverted by corporate money; I love it when my country invades other countries on false pretexts; I enjoy watching the gap between rich and poor widen every year; and I think the War on Drugs and the prison-industrial complex is working beautifully. I won’t even mention our glorious police state, of which you two are upstanding representatives. Of course I’m a radical – in the true sense of the word. Look it up, junior, when you have some free time.’

“It went on like this for two hours,” Duke said. “I still don’t know what the hell they were after, but I suspect the FBI isn’t the crack agency it was when J. Edgar Hoover was at the helm by day and wearing a bra and panty hose at night. Better watch your back, my friend -- you might be next. Some of that stuff you write is inflammatory.”

“If they’re worried about me, we’re in trouble.”

“Oh, we’re in the deep shit,” Duke said, “make no mistake. Deep, waist high excrement. Even Albus Dumbledore couldn’t help us now. I should have dispatched myself when I had the chance. It’s hopeless, Tang, absolutely hopeless. We had a shot, and then Obama lost his nerve. The window opened for a brief moment but instead of acting boldly, Obama veered to the safe, predictable center and lashed himself to the status quo. I knew he’d disappoint his supporters, I just didn’t think it would happen so fast. Ah, well, we will reap as we sow, and the coming harvest will not be bountiful. Keep in touch, brother.”