A-Plus

“And that, against this: the king-types who would snatch the apple from your hand and claim to have grown it, even though what they had, had come to them intact, or been gained unfairly…” George Saunders, Lincoln in the Bardo

A few days ago in front of a few thousand people in Minot, North Dakota, Donald J. Trump took the stage against the backdrop of a massive American flag. Red MAGA hats. T-shirts emblazoned with, “This Is Trump Country.” All-white audience, of course, North Dakota not being known for its hospitality to people of color. Raucous applause, whistling, whooping, one woman swooned and was carried off. For no apparent reason a skinny kid with bad acne was yanked from his seat by Security and frog-marched to the exit.

So great, Trump said, settling behind the podium. So great. This is a great reception. Thank you, thank you. North Dakota is a wonderful place. Thanks to me, your economy is booming and because of my tough action against China, manufacturing jobs are coming back by the millions. The millions! So great. America is winning all over, from sea to shining sea. But, you know, the fake news media, CNN and The New York Times, they don’t want to talk about what a wonderful job I’m doing, maybe the greatest American president, ever. I was asked to give myself a grade for the job I’ve done so far, and what could I give myself but an A-plus? Right, so fantastic.

(Cheering, a few chants of four more years)

The media is the enemy of good people like you. All they want to talk about is Russia and collusion, it’s a witch hunt, a fraud. My administration is totally ethical, the most ethical in our history. Believe me, I know all about ethics. Robert Mueller’s chasing ghosts, wasting your tax dollars, he’s not going to find anything, it’s a big, big waste of time. He should be investigating crooked Hillary…

(Chants of Lock Her Up, Lock Her Up)

Crooked Hillary and her sour grapes. But make no mistake, the economy’s roaring, we’re producing oil like it’s going out of style, and I brought beautiful coal back. We’re building the Wall to secure our border, keep bad people out of our country, protect Americans from MS-13 gangs and drugs, criminals and perverts.

(Chants of Make Mexico Pay, Make Mexico Pay)

Oh yeah, you can bet on that, Mexico will pay for the Wall, and we’re making NATO pay their fair share, too, because they know they have to. American first, ladies and gentlemen, America first. Our country has never been stronger, more united or respected. Don’t believe the fake news media. A phony report came out recently which said that thousands of Puerto Ricans died as a result of Hurricane Maria. Well, I can tell you that because of the great response by my administration, the absolutely flawless response -- so fast, so efficient -- only about 16 people were killed. I went to Puerto Rico, a place surrounded by water, and saved hundreds of lives on my own, just by tossing out rolls of paper towels.

(Chants of Trump, Trump, Trump)

The Democrats think there’s a blue wave coming this November, but if we know anything about Democrats it’s that they are weak, they are losers, and they don’t know what it means to be a true American. We know, only we know. You know what the Democrats are going to do? Destroy Social Security and Medicare, the greatest programs ever created by the Republican Party. They’ll throw our senior citizens in the street! Do you want your 90-year-old grandmother eating cat food?

(Chants of No Cat Food, No Cat Food)

Teddy Roosevelt created Social Security a long time ago, a great law, fantastic. We had dinner at the White House a few weeks ago, Teddy, me, Melania and Frederick Douglass, and I can tell you that Teddy and Frederick are big Trump fans, big fans, big, big, big fans. They’re good people, the best. We’re going to play golf at Mar-A-Lago real soon. Frederick said he’d be my caddy.