This Is What You Do

”It’s what people do. We tell stories that proclaim our innocence. All of us. We tell them to ourselves and to anyone who’ll listen.” Russell Banks, Lost Memory of Skin

The sun’s out this afternoon, a slight breeze blowing, part of the sky is cloudy, part is clear. My backyard is soaked. Lake Cachuma must be over 60% of capacity by now, the highest it has been in years. In the land of fire, this is a good thing. I worry about climate change a lot, can almost feel the clock ticking down till the reckoning, because when it happens, and it might happen much quicker than we think, I don’t know if my family will have the resources to adapt. There’s so much uncertainty in this world of interconnected technology, wealth inequality, cold-hearted justice, Trump and his gang, and potential nuclear annihilation. How’s the story going to turn out? I assume most people want to know this, though we never will; we’ll only know our little part in the bigger play. In the meantime, we do all sorts of shit we don’t want to, work for people we can’t stand, stay in jobs or homes or marriages or relationships that either bore us to tears or make us crazy. It can be fucking hard, and I’m one of the luckiest guys around, and I know it, because there are places in this world, some closer to us that we know, where human life is dirt cheap, and nobody with their hands on the controls really cares if a man, woman, or child suddenly vanishes. India and Pakistan are facing off again in Kashmir, both sides nuclear armed. Cooler heads seem in short supply. It’s all advertising and marketing and hits and views and ratings, so we only get a limited view of what matters and unlimited attention on what doesn’t.

Trump’s unfortunate former attorney and all-around-bag/hatchet man, Michael Cohen, testified before Congress about his former boss. The Republicans went all apeshit about the process and the fact that Cohen “lied” to Congress! The same Republicans must have missed the appearance of Elliot Abrams the week prior. Republicans have no ear for irony. Trump doesn’t believe it’s fair for Congress to hold hearings about him when he’s not in the country. Yep, the Congress should shut down and do nothing any time the president is away. Separation of powers is becoming more tenuous all the time. Most Republicans are willing to follow Trump over the cliff. It’s astonishing.

The scariest aspect of the Cohen reality show was when Cohen warned the politicians that Trump might not go easily if he loses in 2020. In other words, Trump may not let go of his powers, even if that means instigating violence among his most ardent followers. The gut reaction is to say this will never happen here, but we said that during the election and Trump won the Electoral College. Trump is enamored of leaders who hold the title, President for Life. Citizens beware.

Quiet sunday afternoon. Sunlight in the eucalyptus trees. This morning I was standing on the deck reading William Rivers Pitt’s latest article on my iPhone, and a blue-jay landed on the railing two feet from me. The bird seemed at ease. He or she hopped to the far railing, then poked around the base of a potted plant. I went inside and came back with a few sunflower seeds that I lined up on the railing. The bird and I watched each other. The blue-jay took one and flew off, only to return a moment later for another. First time this has happened in all the years we’ve lived here. My wife is working on her laptop; my daughter is in her room, most likely watching YouTube; my son is in San Francisco, his second major foray away from home, but one that is quickly to come to an end. The boy is bound for Los Angeles and the next chapter of his adventure in life. Make all your mistakes now, kid, when the stakes are lower and your defeats don’t feel permanent. You’re 22, it’s OK to slow down and take it all in, figure out who you are, what you’ll stand for, and what and who you’ll kneel for.

David Cay Johnston has been reporting on the Trump crime family for more than three decades. Johnston has a Pulitzer. He knows how Trump operates as well as anyone, and couldn’t have been surprised by anything Cohen revealed. Johnston has been talking about Trump’s tax returns for a couple of years, confident what they will show is a man far less wealthy than he claims, and with significant debts to some very shady actors. Once someone with a subpoena starts yanking on that one dangling thread, the whole jacket is going to come apart and spill its lining. In the end, it will be all about money, the only thing Trump cares about because it’s all that underpins the man. Money equals power and influence and favors and loans and, most important of all, TV time, screen time, tabloid and New York Times headlines. Get ahold of that and you can rule the world. Even if you’re a spent human being of second rate intelligence and zero ethics.

My wife turns 57 in a few days time, which also means that my 60th is approaching with a fair tailwind. I guess this is the fabled land of adulthood. This is what you do, man. Laundry, shopping, cleaning the bathtub, the toilet, the basin; you shake out throw rugs and roll the recycling bins out every sunday; you go to a job and try to do something productive, and if that’s not possible, at least not harmful. This can be difficult in a bureaucracy, with a hierarchy. Some guys play golf, fix cars, surf, fly drones, ride motorcycles, fish or hunt, hike, camp, travel, scuba dive, I lift kettlebells and swing steel maces and hang upside down on gymnastic rings, kickbox three mornings a week. I read and review books and watch football (soccer) as much as I can. I’m half bad and half good, blind and sighted, and less and less sure what any of it means.