General Bone Spurs

“The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down.” H.L. Mencken

Press Event, The White House, Washington D.C.

President Trump enters the press briefing room looking agitated, a sheen of sweat on his forehead. After wiping his nose several times, Trump begins reading his prepared statement. 

PT: I have big news today, very big news. The biggest. At my direction, our brave military forces launched a raid in Northern Syria and killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, one of the most vicious killers of all time. al-Baghdadi died like a whimpering dog, begging for mercy, but on my order he was afforded none. We took him out very beautifully. Only a military leader such as President Trump -- the greatest president in American history -- could have planned and executed this operation. It was extremely dangerous, ten times more dangerous than the raid that  killed Osama bin Laden. I want to thank our wonderful allies Russia and Turkey for their assistance. They are great countries with strong leaders who lead strongly. al-Baghdadi was a very bad hombre, many times more dangerous than Osama bin Laden. I took out the worst of the worst. 

Reporter: Mr. President, you stated that you planned this raid. Can you tell us when you did that planning?

PT: I planned the whole thing on the 14th hole at my golf club, a beautiful course by the way, world class, and by the time I arrived on the 15th tee I called my generals and told them how to take this killer out. I’m the best strategist, even better than George Washington. Then I teed off on 15, drove the ball right down the middle about 350 yards. I’m a big hitter, you know, the best golfer to ever occupy the White House. I could beat Obama with a putter, a pitching wedge, and a 4-wood. Even if I let Obama tee off from the ladies tees I’d still beat him. 

Reporter: Will you toss out the first pitch for Game 5 of the World Series?

PT: We’re still considering that. The last time I threw out the first pitch was for a game between the Yankees and the Mets. The pitch was clocked at 95mph and had so much movement on it that the Mets offered me a contract on the spot. I turned them down because I was too busy making billions of dollars. People have always said that I was one of the best baseball players in the history of New York City, a phenom, the next Mickey Mantle. I was a classic 5-tool player which is why it’s insane for the dirty Democrats to talk about impeachment. Witch hunt! 

Reporter: Mr. President, the news on the impeachment front over the past two weeks hasn’t been favorable. Are you concerned about the reaction you might receive from fans at the World Series? 

PT: That’s fake news. The economy is the best it’s ever been, my administration has created like a billion new jobs, we’re building the Wall to keep our country safe, and many people are saying that no American president has ever been more popular. They love what I’m doing with China on trade. You should see the massive crowds at my campaign rallies! So many people, so many red hats, so many signs. They love their great president. They can’t get enough of me. My only concern with attending the World Series is that I’ll get a very long standing ovation that will disrupt the game. 

Reporter: The latest polling shows your approval rating at less than 40%. 

PT: Fake news. Fake news. Fake news. My poll numbers are consistently high, 60, 70 percent of Americans think I’m doing a fantastic job. And now that I’ve taken out this very bad hombre, al-Baghdadi, I expect my approval rating to go even higher. The dirty Democrats know I’m unbeatable in 2020, which is why they’ve launched this illegal and very phony impeachment. Adam Schiff is like a rabid dog. He’s got nothing on Trump, nothing but smoke. The whole thing is very illegitimate and the Democrats know it, they know it, especially now that Trump is a war hero, the man who took out al-Baghdadi, who was a very bad hombre with a lot of blood on his hands. Many people are saying nobody except Trump could have pulled this off. You think Joe Biden could have done this? No way. Joe’s too busy trying to help his loser son. 

Reporter: Mr. President, speaking of loser children -

PT: It’s illegitimate, the whole thing, because the House hasn’t voted to impeach. It’s right there in the Constitution, in black and white, and the Democrats know it, they know it. They’re making it up as they go, with no respect for the law. They will learn a hard lesson in 2020. My very good friend Vladimir Putin told me not to worry.