Patience & Stillness

 “The most vexing thing in the life of a man who wishes to change is the improbability of change.” Jim Harrison, Legends of the Fall

I saw a podiatrist and he diagnosed my foot problem as Morton’s Neuroma. Most of my shoes have a tapered toe box, and when I wear those shoes the nerve in my foot is compressed and causes a burning sensation in my third and fourth toes. The diagnosis confirms my own experiments with different shoes. Before I started working at the Market I bought a nice pair of Columbia hiking shoes, not considering that the narrow toe box would cause me problems. The only shoes I can wear for my job are an old pair of AllBirds, which are comfortable enough but dangerous on wet floors. At least I now know what I’m dealing with. 

Now, if I can fix the biceps tendonitis in my left arm, I’ll be 100%. This condition really bothers me at night when I sleep, I often wake up with my shoulder howling, and of course it restricts my training.  What’s next in this process of aging? Hair loss (in progress), flagging sex drive, forgetfulness, indigestion, wrinkles, liver spots, constipation. Aging requires coming to terms with loss -- of physical and mental capabilities, of friends and relatives, of jobs and settled routines -- and forces us to to get it through our thick heads: nothing is solid, nothing lasts forever, the sand is always shifting beneath our feet. Even though we know how life ends, we must walk on, through loss and disappointment, pain and suffering. This takes honesty and courage -- or a strong gin & tonic. 

November. Thanksgiving on the way, a strange holiday that I can take or leave. We don’t yet have a family get-together planned, and have given no thought to buying a turkey. The day is over-hyped to get the public to spend money, to set up a vigil outside Target; what’s the hot gift this year? What can’t the children live without? You have to give advertisers credit for linking holidays with consumption. I’m sure there are people who believe that shopping is the point of Thanksgiving, the reason for the day. Get out there and plunge yourself deeper into debt! It’s your patriotic duty! Pilgrims, what pilgrims? Amazon Prime, baby! Instant gratification. 

It’s overcast today. The orange cat from next door is in the front yard, hiding beneath a cactus, within two feet of the spot where small birds congregate. Perhaps the cat will finally get one. The cat is a study in patience and stillness. His owner’s name is Bob. Bob is over six feet tall, completely bald, and often wears suspenders. His one-car garage is as neat as a pin, everything in its place. We don’t see Bob that often. He makes a trip to Costco once a week; from our kitchen window I watch him unload his Toyota Highlander. Patience and stillness isn’t encouraged in our society. I always laugh when I’m working at the Market and a customer, usually a younger female, enters the store on her phone, and remains on the phone, gabbing away, through the produce and dairy aisles, past the meat counter and the prepared food islands, through the baked goods, the wine and beer section, and even while she’s checking out; phone clutched between shoulder and ear as she digs in her purse for her debit card. In the waiting room of the podiatrist’s office I counted eight people, myself included, all over the age of fifty, and only one man on his phone. An older woman was reading a book. The others were just sitting quietly, lost in their own thoughts. 

Is the cat taking a nap? Slumber or eternal vigilance? 

My wife and I marked our 29th wedding anniversary on the 7th of this month. My brother turned 64 on the 11th. Milestones of time. 

I’m reading Undaunted Courage by Stephen E. Ambrose, and The Big Seven, a novel by Jim Harrison.