On the day the New York Times and the Los Angeles Times reported that American spy agencies are unanimous in their opinion that the Iraq Occupation is fueling terrorism rather than quelling it, Vice President Dick Cheney summoned President George W. Bush and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to the Oval Office for a meeting.
“What’s up, Dirty Dick?” Bush said as he strutted into the Oval Office, followed by several aides, two attorneys, and a waiter bearing a tray laden with long-necked bottles of Coors Light, pretzel sticks and pork rinds.
Dick Cheney snarled and said, “Heads will fucking roll over this. How dare the press publish the truth! It’s an outrage. Truth has no place in the global war on terror. Truth cannot keep the American people out of harm’s way.”
Smiling, Bush said, “Intelligence is important, but I’ve never had much use for it. Pass me one of them beers, Juan.”
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld reminded the president and vice-president that they didn’t actually have to win the war in order to claim victory, since the US never declared war in the first place.
Cheney slammed his right fist into his left palm. “Bullshit, Don. We will win! I don’t care if we have to annihilate every Islamo-Facist on this planet, but we will win.”
“We’re stretched thin, Dick,” Rumsfeld said. “And, uh, well, I don’t like to admit this, but our adversaries are growing stronger and more sophisticated.”
“Hey, guys,” Bush said, “have you heard about Faith Nights? They tell me it’s the latest marketing craze in professional sports. The Atlanta Braves pass out the good book and play rock music and get the folks all fired up about Jesus. Damn fine idea. Wish I’d thought of it when I owned the Texas Rangers.”
“We should attack Iran,” Cheney said, helping himself to a handful of pretzels, “before those fuckers attack us with their arsenal of nuclear weapons.”
“We can’t say for sure that Iran has the Bomb,” Rumsfeld said.
“Bullshit! If we say Iran has a Bomb, Iran has a Bomb! We’re in power and the truth is whatever we say it is! Get O’Reilly on the phone,” Cheney barked at an aide. “If he’s not available find Limbaugh. And locate Rove. It’s time to crank up the PR machine.”
“Calm down, Dick,” the president said. “Remember your ticker. You get worked up and you’re liable to keel over right here in the Oval Office. That wouldn’t look good, you know? Now look fellas, this Faith Night thing’s got me thinking. That’s our base and we need to keep ‘em happy.”
“Compared to Iran, Saddam was nothing,” Cheney mumbled. “Iran’s the key.”
“The average Iraqi isn’t a happy camper these days,” Rumsfeld said ruefully. “The streets are dangerous, jobs are scarce, electric power is completely unpredictable.”
“You sound like an appeasing yellow-bellied Liberal, Don,” Cheney said. “We gave Iraq Democracy! If it wasn’t for us, the Iraqis would still be under the thumb of a brutal dictator, subject to prison for years without due process of law, tortured, disappeared!”
“Hey,” the president said, “that sounds like what’s been going on in GitMo. Just kiddin’ boys. Look, what do you think of having a Faith Night in Baghdad? We could hand out copies of the Koran and play Iraqi folk music, make the people feel better about themselves and their country.”
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