Clubhouse, TPC Sawgrass, Friday, February 19, 2010. The chosen few begin to filter into the ballroom where in less than an hour Tiger Woods will make a long awaited statement about his recent domestic troubles and his golfing future.
Less fortunate people are herded into another room where they will watch Tiger’s statement on television. Wolf Blitzer of CNN is part of this cohort and he’s not happy about it. Jim Nance from CBS Sports and Mike Tirico from ESPN are as unhappy as Blitzer. The three men are sipping coffee and grousing about being relegated to the cheap seats.
Meanwhile, representatives from TMZ, Showbiz Tonight and ENews are filling cups with free coffee and loading paper plates with fresh fruit and bran muffins. The TMZ representative complains that the cantaloupe is sour. No one pays any attention.
E News goes on the air with a special report about Tiger’s breakfast.
ENews: “Sources close to Tiger’s representatives tell us that he typically eats a bowl of oatmeal, half a grapefruit, 8 – 10 ounces of freshly squeezed orange juice and two pieces of wheat toast. They will not tell us what he ate this morning, though a kitchen worker claimed she saw Tiger enter an office holding a can of Red Bull. The kitchen worker doesn’t speak English so we’re not really sure what kind of beverage Tiger was allegedly holding.”
Showbiz Tonight: “The big question on everyone’s mind this morning is what Tiger will wear for this appearance – an appearance he hopes will resurrect his image as a golfing icon. Will he wear a suit, a coat and tie or try for a more informal look and appear in his signature red polo shirt? Showbiz Tonight fashion editor Wendy Woolover is outside the TPC complex where Tiger will address the world. What can you tell us, Wendy?”
Wendy Woolover: “Almost nothing, I’m afraid, but we have a lot of air time to fill, don’t we? As with everything else related to Tiger Woods, secrecy is the order of the day. We tried to talk to one of Tiger’s inner circle and were told to go away and not come back. Tiger’s people seem very jumpy and agitated, but when you’re working to rehabilitate a reputation that has been battered as hard as Tiger’s has, that’s to be expected. Back to you.”
TMZ: “The anticipation is definitely building here at TPC Sawgrass. What will Tiger say about the events that have transpired since his SUV had that unfortunate meeting with a telephone pole on Thanksgiving night? Hey, that sounds pretty good. Transpired! Unfortunate meeting! Hell, the man was running for his life. Of course what America really wants to know is how the 34-year-old golfing legend managed to juggle a dozen mistresses, a Nordic wife, two children and his career. Is there a big-breasted cocktail waitress that Tiger didn’t wiggle his driver at?”
Wolf Blitzer, CNN: “Welcome back to our special report - Tiger: Icon or Philanderer. CNN will cover this breaking story as no other network can, so stay tuned for our team coverage and in-depth analysis.
“Let’s start by making clear that we do not expect Tiger’s wife, Elin, to be in the audience today. It’s almost a rite of passage for the scorned wife to appear with her husband when he makes a public mea culpa, but that probably won’t happen today. We have a further report about Elin Woods from Lisa Bloom. Lisa?”
“Thank you, Wolf. You’re absolutely correct. Sources tell us that Elin will not make an appearance here today. Let me quickly add that there’s no truth to the rumor that she was seen in the parking lot at TPC Sawgrass early this morning wielding a 1-iron. Elin may want to bash her husband’s head in, but it won’t happen today. As you mentioned, Wolf, we’ve become accustomed to seeing scorned and humiliated wives stand by their sleazy, emotionally-stunted men. But make no mistake -- Elin Woods is clearly a different kind of scorned woman; she has no qualms about letting her lying, cheating husband twist in the wind, alone. Wolf.”
“Thank you, Lisa for that insightful report.”
Mike Tirico, ABC News, unaware that his mic is open: “That little prick from TMZ knocked over my coffee. Hey, asshole, do that again and I’ll throw you in the lake! Damn bottom feeders. What? Oh crap, turn the mic off, turn it off…”
ENews: “Let’s bring Douglas Douchetard, a PhD in abnormal psychology, into the discussion. Douglas has worked with other troubled athletes like Tanya Harding, Milton Bradley, and Dennis Rodman. Douglas, what do you think will be going through Tiger’s mind today?”
Douchetard: “Sex, without a doubt. While he’ll do his best to appear contrite and mollify his public, part of Tiger will be totally obsessed with the loss of his wide-open sex life. As a lothario, Tiger was nearly as dominant as he is on the golf course, and I doubt he can easily set that part of himself aside, even with the most expensive therapy known to man. I expect Tiger will be torn between his recent past and the future, between satisfying his every sexual whim with busty cocktail waitresses and his desire to project a safe, solid and all-American image.”
ENews: “Do you think he can ever restore his image?”
Douchetard: “Frankly, it would be easier for pigs to fly.”
ENews: “One last question, Dr. Douchetard. Will Tiger wear briefs or boxers today?”
Douchetard: “Briefs, though I’d recommend boxers.”
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Savior Cometh
Meg Whitman, wealthy EBay queen, is prepared to spend around $150 million to become the next Governor of California. Apparently, nobody close to Meg has told her what a thankless job she’s after. Oh well. If Meg is successful in outspending her opponents – and odds are that she will by a wide margin – she will learn the terrible truth: the state she so badly wants to revive is ungovernable.
Like the current governor, Meg Whitman is an eternal optimist who wants to do for California what she did for EBay, namely, bring optimism and opportunity to all! Noble goals to be sure, and if we hadn’t heard the same claptrap a hundred times before we might even believe it.
Let’s not forget that Arnold Schwarzenegger blew into Sacramento promising to nuke the boxes and rid state government of fraud, waste and abuse. Arnold was going to take Sacramento by its lapels and shake until government spending fell and school children achieved stupendous scores on standardized tests, stopped gorging themselves on junk food and became physically fit; until plenty of cheap water flowed to central valley farmers, and the brown haze above Los Angeles magically vanished; until thorny immigration issues disappeared. Oh yes, Arnold was going to bring California’s glory back, kicking and screaming if necessary.
Make-believe worked in Hollywood, why couldn’t it work in Sacramento?
For any number of reasons, though the most compelling of all is King Paralysis, the toughest, nastiest motherfucker in the capitol, the dude who murders campaign promises and makes a mockery of reform. Meg Whitman has yet to meet the King, but when she does she’ll never forget the experience.
The King boasts a terrifying arsenal: sacred cows like Prop 13, term limits, a dysfunctional budget process that requires a supermajority to pass any tax or spending proposals, partisan bickering that makes an inner city preschool look civil, legislative gerrymandering that insures the election of extremist crackpots who believe that compromise equals weakness, and an out of whack initiative process.
What sort of damned fool wants to stand toe-to-toe with King Paralysis? OK, Jerry Brown I understand – he wasn’t known as Governor Moonbeam for nothing. Schwarzenegger ran for vanity and ego, and because the sun was setting on his movie career. It wasn’t as if Arnold was going to be cast as Hamlet or King Lear, and no studio was clamoring to make Terminator IV, V or VI. Arnold was antsy and for her own peace of mind Maria wanted him out of the house. Why not leap into the political arena?
Whitman has more jack than she knows what to do with, though why she’s willing to piss it away campaigning for a job that’s destined to humble her is a mystery. Has Meg had a full and complete psychiatric evaluation? We may never know because Whitman’s handlers are playing it coy, keeping Meg away from the media and saturating the airwaves with ads that paint her as tough, smart, competent, brave, compassionate, visionary and kind. In short, the savior that California desperately needs.
Well, why not? We tried Gray Davis, a wimpy career politician, and he got run out of Sacramento. We gave Schwarzenegger, a Hollywood actor, a shot and he will leave the state worse off than he found it. So why not hand the reins to a hot shot corporate CEO who made investors happy as pigs in slop?
Like the current governor, Meg Whitman is an eternal optimist who wants to do for California what she did for EBay, namely, bring optimism and opportunity to all! Noble goals to be sure, and if we hadn’t heard the same claptrap a hundred times before we might even believe it.
Let’s not forget that Arnold Schwarzenegger blew into Sacramento promising to nuke the boxes and rid state government of fraud, waste and abuse. Arnold was going to take Sacramento by its lapels and shake until government spending fell and school children achieved stupendous scores on standardized tests, stopped gorging themselves on junk food and became physically fit; until plenty of cheap water flowed to central valley farmers, and the brown haze above Los Angeles magically vanished; until thorny immigration issues disappeared. Oh yes, Arnold was going to bring California’s glory back, kicking and screaming if necessary.
Make-believe worked in Hollywood, why couldn’t it work in Sacramento?
For any number of reasons, though the most compelling of all is King Paralysis, the toughest, nastiest motherfucker in the capitol, the dude who murders campaign promises and makes a mockery of reform. Meg Whitman has yet to meet the King, but when she does she’ll never forget the experience.
The King boasts a terrifying arsenal: sacred cows like Prop 13, term limits, a dysfunctional budget process that requires a supermajority to pass any tax or spending proposals, partisan bickering that makes an inner city preschool look civil, legislative gerrymandering that insures the election of extremist crackpots who believe that compromise equals weakness, and an out of whack initiative process.
What sort of damned fool wants to stand toe-to-toe with King Paralysis? OK, Jerry Brown I understand – he wasn’t known as Governor Moonbeam for nothing. Schwarzenegger ran for vanity and ego, and because the sun was setting on his movie career. It wasn’t as if Arnold was going to be cast as Hamlet or King Lear, and no studio was clamoring to make Terminator IV, V or VI. Arnold was antsy and for her own peace of mind Maria wanted him out of the house. Why not leap into the political arena?
Whitman has more jack than she knows what to do with, though why she’s willing to piss it away campaigning for a job that’s destined to humble her is a mystery. Has Meg had a full and complete psychiatric evaluation? We may never know because Whitman’s handlers are playing it coy, keeping Meg away from the media and saturating the airwaves with ads that paint her as tough, smart, competent, brave, compassionate, visionary and kind. In short, the savior that California desperately needs.
Well, why not? We tried Gray Davis, a wimpy career politician, and he got run out of Sacramento. We gave Schwarzenegger, a Hollywood actor, a shot and he will leave the state worse off than he found it. So why not hand the reins to a hot shot corporate CEO who made investors happy as pigs in slop?
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
We're No. 1!
I went over to the Home Improvement Center on Gutierrez Street the other day to look for a shower curtain rod. I didn’t need anything with designer or decorator touches, just your basic 72” curtain rod. I figured I’d find one that was cheap and made in China, but to my surprise the rod I found was made in Delaware – right here in these United States.
A few days later I read excerpts of an interview with Vice President Joe Biden in which the Veep defended the US economy and insisted that America would never lose its position as the world’s leading economic power. Biden had strong words for those who claim that America has seen her best days.
Joe Biden tends to be verbose and hyperbolic -- and of course it’s the duty of a Vice President to defend our nation’s honor even if it means denying reality -- but like the majority of politicians, regardless of party affiliation, Biden is unwilling to look reality in the face and admit that America doesn’t manufacture enough shower curtain rods. Or toaster ovens. Or flat screen televisions. Or computers. Or blenders. Or durable medical equipment. Or -- you name it.
And unless Americans are building tangible products that the rest of the world wants to buy, our economy will never fully recover nor will the yawning gap between the haves and have nots narrow. A “financialized” economy cannot produce widespread prosperity; what it will produce is banana republic-like income disparity.
Of course there are many more things that Joe Biden and the ruling class need to wrap their heads around if this country is to pull back from the brink.
Open-ended wars are one. The government of Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan talks about being dependent on US military assistance for the next two decades. With the exception of opium production, Afghanistan doesn’t possess an economic infrastructure lively enough to produce the revenues needed to build and sustain a functioning police force and military. The US is that revenue source, and we are therefore trapped in Afghanistan, unable to “win” the war and equally incapable of cutting our losses and exiting; we will waste bodies and coin for years to come.
The ruling class in Washington cleverly keeps the true costs of our foreign adventures off the books, but the bottom line is that the capital we are pissing away in Afghanistan and Iraq and Pakistan should be invested in rebuilding our country.
The sclerotic, paralyzed, and corrupt state of our politics isn’t helping matters, either. Forget for a moment the absurd Supreme Court decision in Citizens United vs. the Federal Election Commission, and instead consider the political strategy of the Republican Party. At every turn the GOP says, “No.” Not “maybe,” not “subject to discussion,” not “we’re willing to negotiate,” but flat out “No.” The only policy the GOP will support is tax cuts and obscene amounts of spending on the military-security complex.
Not that the majority Democrats are any less ridiculous. In the Clinton Era they abandoned their traditional constituencies in favor of bribes from corporate America, and now Democrats more often than not sound, look and smell just like Republicans.
To make the political landscape even more toxic and surreal, the mainstream corporate media takes people like Sarah “No-Brains” Palin seriously. Did you hear her rambling speech at the Tea Party convention? One tired, worn out conservative orthodoxy after another tumbled out of Palin’s mouth and the audience lapped it up like she was the second coming of Dutch Reagan.
I hate to admit this, but Palin is so vapid that she makes Reagan look like an Ivy League intellectual.
Palin is the poster child for what Hunter S. Thompson called America’s “downward spiral of dumbness.”
In the same breath, and with no sense of contradiction, Palin advocates that government level the playing field for average Americans AND get out of their lives; she proposes a “market” economy AND “small” government; tax cuts AND big spending on our war machine. It’s as if Palin and her clan have been living in an isolation chamber for the past decade.
Note to Sarah: Bush/Cheney tried that circus act and we are reaping the dire consequences.
I can’t take Sarah Palin seriously and for the life of me can’t understand why anyone does. On the other hand, I’m sure there were plenty of Germans who thought Adolf Hitler was a harmless crackpot right up until the time his henchmen torched the Reichstag.
The state of collective denial in this nation is stunning, but at least there’s a company in Delaware that manufactures a fine shower curtain rod.
A few days later I read excerpts of an interview with Vice President Joe Biden in which the Veep defended the US economy and insisted that America would never lose its position as the world’s leading economic power. Biden had strong words for those who claim that America has seen her best days.
Joe Biden tends to be verbose and hyperbolic -- and of course it’s the duty of a Vice President to defend our nation’s honor even if it means denying reality -- but like the majority of politicians, regardless of party affiliation, Biden is unwilling to look reality in the face and admit that America doesn’t manufacture enough shower curtain rods. Or toaster ovens. Or flat screen televisions. Or computers. Or blenders. Or durable medical equipment. Or -- you name it.
And unless Americans are building tangible products that the rest of the world wants to buy, our economy will never fully recover nor will the yawning gap between the haves and have nots narrow. A “financialized” economy cannot produce widespread prosperity; what it will produce is banana republic-like income disparity.
Of course there are many more things that Joe Biden and the ruling class need to wrap their heads around if this country is to pull back from the brink.
Open-ended wars are one. The government of Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan talks about being dependent on US military assistance for the next two decades. With the exception of opium production, Afghanistan doesn’t possess an economic infrastructure lively enough to produce the revenues needed to build and sustain a functioning police force and military. The US is that revenue source, and we are therefore trapped in Afghanistan, unable to “win” the war and equally incapable of cutting our losses and exiting; we will waste bodies and coin for years to come.
The ruling class in Washington cleverly keeps the true costs of our foreign adventures off the books, but the bottom line is that the capital we are pissing away in Afghanistan and Iraq and Pakistan should be invested in rebuilding our country.
The sclerotic, paralyzed, and corrupt state of our politics isn’t helping matters, either. Forget for a moment the absurd Supreme Court decision in Citizens United vs. the Federal Election Commission, and instead consider the political strategy of the Republican Party. At every turn the GOP says, “No.” Not “maybe,” not “subject to discussion,” not “we’re willing to negotiate,” but flat out “No.” The only policy the GOP will support is tax cuts and obscene amounts of spending on the military-security complex.
Not that the majority Democrats are any less ridiculous. In the Clinton Era they abandoned their traditional constituencies in favor of bribes from corporate America, and now Democrats more often than not sound, look and smell just like Republicans.
To make the political landscape even more toxic and surreal, the mainstream corporate media takes people like Sarah “No-Brains” Palin seriously. Did you hear her rambling speech at the Tea Party convention? One tired, worn out conservative orthodoxy after another tumbled out of Palin’s mouth and the audience lapped it up like she was the second coming of Dutch Reagan.
I hate to admit this, but Palin is so vapid that she makes Reagan look like an Ivy League intellectual.
Palin is the poster child for what Hunter S. Thompson called America’s “downward spiral of dumbness.”
In the same breath, and with no sense of contradiction, Palin advocates that government level the playing field for average Americans AND get out of their lives; she proposes a “market” economy AND “small” government; tax cuts AND big spending on our war machine. It’s as if Palin and her clan have been living in an isolation chamber for the past decade.
Note to Sarah: Bush/Cheney tried that circus act and we are reaping the dire consequences.
I can’t take Sarah Palin seriously and for the life of me can’t understand why anyone does. On the other hand, I’m sure there were plenty of Germans who thought Adolf Hitler was a harmless crackpot right up until the time his henchmen torched the Reichstag.
The state of collective denial in this nation is stunning, but at least there’s a company in Delaware that manufactures a fine shower curtain rod.
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