Minutiae

Clubhouse, TPC Sawgrass, Friday, February 19, 2010. The chosen few begin to filter into the ballroom where in less than an hour Tiger Woods will make a long awaited statement about his recent domestic troubles and his golfing future.

Less fortunate people are herded into another room where they will watch Tiger’s statement on television. Wolf Blitzer of CNN is part of this cohort and he’s not happy about it. Jim Nance from CBS Sports and Mike Tirico from ESPN are as unhappy as Blitzer. The three men are sipping coffee and grousing about being relegated to the cheap seats.

Meanwhile, representatives from TMZ, Showbiz Tonight and ENews are filling cups with free coffee and loading paper plates with fresh fruit and bran muffins. The TMZ representative complains that the cantaloupe is sour. No one pays any attention.

E News goes on the air with a special report about Tiger’s breakfast.

ENews: “Sources close to Tiger’s representatives tell us that he typically eats a bowl of oatmeal, half a grapefruit, 8 – 10 ounces of freshly squeezed orange juice and two pieces of wheat toast. They will not tell us what he ate this morning, though a kitchen worker claimed she saw Tiger enter an office holding a can of Red Bull. The kitchen worker doesn’t speak English so we’re not really sure what kind of beverage Tiger was allegedly holding.”

Showbiz Tonight: “The big question on everyone’s mind this morning is what Tiger will wear for this appearance – an appearance he hopes will resurrect his image as a golfing icon. Will he wear a suit, a coat and tie or try for a more informal look and appear in his signature red polo shirt? Showbiz Tonight fashion editor Wendy Woolover is outside the TPC complex where Tiger will address the world. What can you tell us, Wendy?”

Wendy Woolover: “Almost nothing, I’m afraid, but we have a lot of air time to fill, don’t we? As with everything else related to Tiger Woods, secrecy is the order of the day. We tried to talk to one of Tiger’s inner circle and were told to go away and not come back. Tiger’s people seem very jumpy and agitated, but when you’re working to rehabilitate a reputation that has been battered as hard as Tiger’s has, that’s to be expected. Back to you.”

TMZ: “The anticipation is definitely building here at TPC Sawgrass. What will Tiger say about the events that have transpired since his SUV had that unfortunate meeting with a telephone pole on Thanksgiving night? Hey, that sounds pretty good. Transpired! Unfortunate meeting! Hell, the man was running for his life. Of course what America really wants to know is how the 34-year-old golfing legend managed to juggle a dozen mistresses, a Nordic wife, two children and his career. Is there a big-breasted cocktail waitress that Tiger didn’t wiggle his driver at?”

Wolf Blitzer, CNN: “Welcome back to our special report - Tiger: Icon or Philanderer. CNN will cover this breaking story as no other network can, so stay tuned for our team coverage and in-depth analysis.

“Let’s start by making clear that we do not expect Tiger’s wife, Elin, to be in the audience today. It’s almost a rite of passage for the scorned wife to appear with her husband when he makes a public mea culpa, but that probably won’t happen today. We have a further report about Elin Woods from Lisa Bloom. Lisa?”

“Thank you, Wolf. You’re absolutely correct. Sources tell us that Elin will not make an appearance here today. Let me quickly add that there’s no truth to the rumor that she was seen in the parking lot at TPC Sawgrass early this morning wielding a 1-iron. Elin may want to bash her husband’s head in, but it won’t happen today. As you mentioned, Wolf, we’ve become accustomed to seeing scorned and humiliated wives stand by their sleazy, emotionally-stunted men. But make no mistake -- Elin Woods is clearly a different kind of scorned woman; she has no qualms about letting her lying, cheating husband twist in the wind, alone. Wolf.”

“Thank you, Lisa for that insightful report.”

Mike Tirico, ABC News, unaware that his mic is open: “That little prick from TMZ knocked over my coffee. Hey, asshole, do that again and I’ll throw you in the lake! Damn bottom feeders. What? Oh crap, turn the mic off, turn it off…”

ENews: “Let’s bring Douglas Douchetard, a PhD in abnormal psychology, into the discussion. Douglas has worked with other troubled athletes like Tanya Harding, Milton Bradley, and Dennis Rodman. Douglas, what do you think will be going through Tiger’s mind today?”

Douchetard: “Sex, without a doubt. While he’ll do his best to appear contrite and mollify his public, part of Tiger will be totally obsessed with the loss of his wide-open sex life. As a lothario, Tiger was nearly as dominant as he is on the golf course, and I doubt he can easily set that part of himself aside, even with the most expensive therapy known to man. I expect Tiger will be torn between his recent past and the future, between satisfying his every sexual whim with busty cocktail waitresses and his desire to project a safe, solid and all-American image.”

ENews: “Do you think he can ever restore his image?”

Douchetard: “Frankly, it would be easier for pigs to fly.”

ENews: “One last question, Dr. Douchetard. Will Tiger wear briefs or boxers today?”

Douchetard: “Briefs, though I’d recommend boxers.”