Supreme Leader: An imaginary (or is it?) interview with Donald Trump

Editor’s Note: The interminable election coverage is causing me to have wicked nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat with visions of Donald Trump’s bloated orange face in my head, or I shoot straight out of bed screaming that Hillary Clinton has moved back into the White House. Terrible times. We are trapped in a death spiral.

WOLF BLITZER

Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP

The pleasure is all yours, Wolf. Let me ask you something, why do you call your show the ‘Situation Room?’ What situation is going on in your ‘Situation Room?’ Just kidding. I’m  messing with you, Wolf. Good show, I watch it whenever I can, which isn’t often, but hey, I’m a busy guy.

WOLF BLITZER

I’d like to ask you about Marco Rubio

DONALD TRUMP

Rubio’s a lightweight. He sweats when he’s nervous and the man is nervous all the time. Look, Wolf, here’s the thing. The Republican Party big shots are scared out of their minds because I’m about to lap the field. Bush is out, Christie’s history, nobody can stop me from the nomination. They never thought I’d be sitting in the catbird seat at this point in time, but here I am. I’m too smart, too rich, too charismatic. Unstoppable, that’s what it comes down to.

WOLF BLITZER

Rubio recently criticized the size of your hands, the implication being that…

TRUMP

Don’t be stupid, Wolf. My schlong is huuuge. Do you think I could have accomplished everything I’ve done with a tiny dick?

WOLF BLITZER

Do you think the campaign has become too negative and petty? What I mean is that instead of talking about the economy or ISIS or climate change, the candidates are insulting one another about the size of their dongs.

TRUMP

My opponents are pussies.

WOLF BLITZER

If you win the nomination...

TRUMP

If? There’s no if, Wolf. I will be the nominee. The Trump juggernaut can’t be stopped. The GOP establishment may not like it, but that’s tough. I’ve got the smart people, I’ve got the dumb people, I’ve got people, Wolf.

WOLF BLITZER

Let’s change gears and talk about policy.

TRUMP

Are you kidding me? I don’t get lost in the weeds. What you have to understand about me is this: I’m the ultimate big picture guy. I’ve got people to do the policy stuff. You get down in the weeds and all you do is get your clothes dirty. I don’t like to get my clothes dirty. What I do is make the hard choices, the tough calls, the big decisions. We’re going to make America great again, and that’s all you need to know. Trust me. Everything Donald Trump touches turns to gold. I’m Midas.

WOLF BLITZER

How do you feel about the possibility of going head-to-head with Hillary Clinton in November?

TRUMP

I’ll destroy her. She’s got no chance. Clinton is part of the establishment, she’s out of step, not to mention the fact that she’s bitchy. I’m the only candidate who knows how to make America great again. Do you think I will allow Americans to be pushed around by Mexicans, Chinese or Muslims? No chance. A snowball in hell has a better chance. The deals I’m going to make with these people will make you dizzy, you’ll swear you have vertigo. Hillary’s going down.

And let me just say this right here right now to the people of Mexico. Get ready, wetbacks, because the wall is coming.

WOLF BLITZER

You’ve been embroiled in controversy the last few days about David Duke, the former Grand Wizard of the KKK who recently endorsed you. What is your relationship to the KKK?

TRUMP

I don’t know David Duke. Did he endorse me? Look, I’m being endorsed by a tremendous number of people -- a tremendous number. My campaign is so exciting that it’s bringing in Democrats, Republicans, Independents -- bringing people in from all sides. There’s no way I can keep track of all the people who support my candidacy. Are there KKK people who like me? Of course, because I’m very likeable. People are drawn to winners, even KKK types.

WOLF BLITZER

Are you saying you appreciate the support of the KKK?

TRUMP

C’mon, Wolf, did I say that? Listen, anyone who knows me knows that I like the black people, always have. Now, when it comes to Mexicans and Muslims, I think we build a massive wall and drop huuuge cluster bombs.

WOLF BLITZER

Thank you, Mr. Trump. That’s all the time we have today. I’m Wolf Blitzer, and you’ve been watching the Situation Room on CNN, the only network that brings you Donald Trump, 24-hours a day. Every bizarre statement, every racist tweet, every fact-free claim, CNN is there.