The Downward Spiral of Arnold

It's official: the Governor of the wealthiest and most populous state in the union is a certified lunkhead.

The Guv's new line is that he doesn't loathe nurses or teachers -- just the unions that represent them. Hmmm, so who does the peabrain think make up these unions? Capitalists? Martians? Chinese industrialists? North Korean peace activists?

Sweet Jesus, you'd think Maria would do her hubby a favor and buy him a dictionary so he can at least appear to be semi-intelligent, rather than just a third-rate actor mouthing second-rate lines. Carrying this out further, you'd think someone on the Guv's staff would pull him aside and say, "Excuse me, sir, but before you do this interiview I thought we might define some terms...just so that you don't confirm your political opponents' worst nightmares."

Let's cut to the bone: Schwarzenegger isn't the sharpest blade in the drawer but he does have a salesman's native cunning. He sold himself as a bodybuilder and fledgling actor, then sold high-concept movie ideas to producers and other Hollywood money handlers. Along the way he probably hawked Amway soap and discounted vitamins and latex sexual aids. Who knows what people like the Guv are into or capable of? As any right-wing Christian moralist will tell you, Hollywood is full of devils, horrible people who take drugs and stage orgies and corrupt our youth.

What kills me is that when this ill-fated leading role as Governor is over, Arnold will probably hoodwink enough California voters to elect him to a senate seat. He'll set himself up in Washington D.C. and immediately make friends with wonderful folks like Tom DeLay and Chuck Grassley; he'll shoot spitwads through a straw at Senator Clinton and challenge Ted Kennedy to arm wrestle. Congress will still be investigating steroid use in professional sports by then, and Arnold can regale his colleagues with stories of how his pal Danny DeVito shot high-grade juice into his buttocks. Yeah, baby, Arnold will take his place in the Congress of Freaks.

In the meantime, however, he's got to develop a masterplan for dealing with five foot two inch nurses who scare the bejesus out of him.