Pity The Queen

“A rat always knows when he's in with weasels." Tom Waits

-It’s almost time, your majesty.

-Do I have to? He’s such an odious fool. I’d rather don a pair of rubber boots and shovel horse poo in the royal stable.

-I know, ma’am, but it is a state visit, after all, and America remains an important ally.

-Are you sure? The man is an idiot, a complete idiot. Advising Britain to stiff the EU and then sue them. Who behaves this way?

-Afraid he does, ma’am, he’s notorious for it. His reputation as a con man is very well deserved. Stiff and sue, that’s his business model.   

-Last time he was here he almost tripped me while we were reviewing the honor guard. It was awful, simply awful. Help me with this clasp, please. I tell you, this is the worst part of being Queen. Thank God he’s not staying in the palace. Can you imagine him and his horrid family running about! Hand me that mirror. The staff would definitely have to conduct an inventory after they left.

-I know, your majesty. It will go quickly and then he will return to his domestic problems. Think of it as tearing a band-aid from a wound. I’m sure you can safely ignore 95% of what comes out of his mouth. He is fearfully ignorant.

-Democracy is so, oh, so untidy.

-That it is, ma’am, that it is. Elections can be unpredictable. More often than not, the best candidate loses.

-He’s such a pathetic egomaniac that he probably thinks the D-Day remembrance is about him. D-for-Donald. My goodness, such an imbecile. Even royalty must suffer fools. I suppose it has always been so. Fools and charlatans, generals with noodles for brains, clergymen with all their brains below the waist, addled prime ministers. Oh, I will feel much better once the toast is over, that’s what I most dread. Hopefully I won’t gag -- or suffer a stroke.

-You won’t ma’am. You represent our nation brilliantly. He wishes he were as popular and as well loved. Obviously it’s what he craves more than anything, but he will never have it.

-How’s my hair? I can’t understand what his wife sees in him. He makes my skin crawl. It’s like being around a rabid dog. Never could I have imagined toasting a reality TV personality who buys the silence of pornographic actresses. Has the world been flipped on its ear? Have we all gone mad? The Queen of England is playing host to a completely immoral, utterly witless, real estate huckster!

-It is baffling, your majesty. The clowns shouldn’t run the circus, should they?

-No, indeed.

-Ready, your majesty?

-Not really, but my duty is clear and I shall discharge it with grace and competence, as have the monarchs before me. If nothing else, there is the consolation of not having to ride with that obnoxious man in my royal carriage!