Fly in the Ointment

I am a common house fly, Musca domestica for you scientific types, and I like to hang around garbage cans, but the other day I got blown off course by a gust of wind and through the front doors of the U.S. Capitol. Nice place, very dignified and inspiring, but far too clean for my liking – I prefer a nice backyard BBQ on a muggy DC day, with Cole slaw and potato salad and lots of chicken grease.

Anyway, down gleaming corridors I flew, this way and that, until I detected a promising odor coming from this huge, ornate office. Zipping in for a closer inspection, I saw four men sitting around a long conference table, eating Chinese take-out off paper plates. Nirvana!

Now, being a common housefly, I don’t pay much attention to the doings of humans, unless, as I said, they happen to be having a backyard BBQ on a hot summer day, but in my line it’s next to impossible not to pick up information from discarded newspapers and TV screens and computers.

The man sitting at the head of the long table had an orange tinge to his skin and I immediately knew he was John Boehner, Speaker of the House. Sitting to Boehner’s right, looking like an overeager altar boy, was the one and only Eric Cantor. The third man was harder to identify as he was stuffing his mouth with mushu pork, but then I recognized him: Paul Ryan, the GOP’s budget Wonder boy.

The fourth man was a mystery until Boehner said, “Hey Grover, try this beef broccoli. It’s delicious.” Well, even a housefly knows that Grover was none other than Grover Norquist, anti-tax champion and political strategist.

After flying a quick recon around the table I took up a position on the wall where I could both listen and keep an eye on the egg rolls.

John Boehner: We’ve got that skinny bastard back on his heels. You gotta’ love the way he concedes his position before negotiations even begin. If Obama was a used car salesman he’d give the damn things away.

Eric Cantor: Our message of austerity is resonating with the American people! We’re putting government back in its proper place! Low taxes, small government, minimal interference in the lives of people, these are the ingredients for a strong economy.

Grover Norquist: No tax increases, ever. Gentlemen join hands with me and swear that you will never vote for a tax increase of any kind, ever.

Paul Ryan: By killing entitlement programs we instantly shrink the size of government. A few seniors might be inconvenienced, but if the result is a sound economy and a thriving business climate for our corporate allies, it will be worth it.

John Boehner: I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps, and if I can do it, by God, anyone can. Did I ever tell you about my dad’s tavern? I put myself through college unloading kegs of beer for my old man... (Sniffles, begins to tear up.)

Fly: Boehner’s skin really is orange.

Eric Cantor: We know, John. It’s a great story, an American story, but let’s focus on keeping the pressure on the President. The debate over the debt ceiling will be his Waterloo. Politically, the only thing he can do is move toward our position.

Paul Ryan: Voters understand that the deficit is a ticking time bomb.

Fly: Boy, that fried rice looks delectable.

Grover Norquist: Big government is the cause of big deficits.

Fly: Funny, I thought a decade of irresponsible tax cuts for the wealthy and pointless foreign wars caused huge deficits, but apparently I am misinformed.

Paul Ryan: The deficit is a noose around the necks of our children and grandchildren!

Fly: At least two Nobel laureates in Economics believe otherwise, but apparently they too are misinformed.

John Boehner (Laughing): Damn, it was easy to get Obama to buy into deficit reduction. He swallowed that hook like a fat bass and ran clear to the middle of the bay.

Grover Norquist: Obama has no balls.

Eric Cantor: But he makes a lovely speech, I’ll give him that.

Grover Norquist: Empty eloquence is no eloquence. The man will not fight for what he believes in once he encounters the smallest amount of resistance. In practical terms, the President is a pansy.

Eric Cantor: What we must do is lower tax rates on the producers and entrepreneurs, on small business owners and venture capitalists so that they can invest and grow an economy that will lift everyone up.

Fly: I’m just a fly, but haven’t you people been drinking this trickle down Kool-Aid for like, I don’t know, 30 years? How’s it working for you? Is your boat rising or sinking?

Paul Ryan: We will end the welfare state because we must end the welfare state.

Fly: Does that include corporate welfare – or are you just going to pick on senior citizens and single mothers?

John Boehner: Shoo fly, get out of here.

Just for jollies, I buzzed Eric Cantor’s nose, considered a kamikaze run up his left nostril, then changed my mind and landed on Grover’s ear where I took a satisfying crap. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, year after year, and expecting a different outcome than you’ve been getting, then these guys are ready for the rubber room. No wonder your country is teetering on the abyss. You elect complete idiots to do your civic business!