Satire: Looking for Mr. Lincoln

A few days ago my wife and I took our kids to Disneyland, happiest place on Earth, home of Mickey and Minnie and overpriced food and souvenirs. After twelve hours and eighteen attractions, we stopped to take in Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln.

Uncle Walt had a deep, if somewhat uncritical love for Abraham Lincoln, and the short show with the animatronic Lincoln is a paean to an America that likely never existed. As I watched the show I thought of Robert E. Lee, U.S. Grant, William T. Sherman and William Seward, and it struck me, as I sat there listening to the stirring theme music -- that there are more great men and women in our past than in our present – at least in the political realm.

Nowadays our politicians are moral and intellectual pipsqueaks who spend all their time jockeying for legislative power and the upper hand in the next election cycle, currying favor with corporate donors, and spouting total nonsense to journalists who take down their BS without question.

The nitwits in DC would rather play ideological chicken and shut the federal government down than act like grown-ups and do what’s in the best interests of the nation.

We’re far down the rabbit hole now and I don’t think our chances of crawling out are good. Business as usual won’t cut the mustard. It’s time for the United States to go whole hog nuts and to this end I make the following suggestions:

Suspend the 2012 presidential election season and have the Supreme Court declare Michelle Bachmann President and Glen Beck Vice President;

Mandate that the Democratic and Republican parties merge. Leadership positions in the new party will be decided by duels with Glock 9MM pistols at a range of no more than 10 paces for male members and 12 paces for female members; duels will be televised live on the Fox television network and be hosted by Ryan Seacrest, with celebrity judges Newt Gingrich, Tom DeLay and Sarah Palin;

Enact a special tax on fast food workers to reimburse the major networks for advertising revenue lost during the suspended Presidential election season;

Abolish all taxes on the 500 wealthiest Americans and all corporations with a minimum valuation of $50 million;

Institute military conscription for any able-bodied man or woman less than 55 years old and with a working IQ above 85 and with an income at or below the Federal poverty level;

Invade and occupy Libya and Yemen;

Assume direct control of all poppy cultivation and heroin manufacturing in Afghanistan and task Donald Rumsfeld with increasing the sale of American heroin in China and India; profits from this venture will be distributed equally to the 500 wealthiest Americans;

To avoid the cost of long-term health care for military veterans, all injured, disabled, maimed, wounded or psychologically unstable personnel will be sent to Cuba where they can receive free, comprehensive health care. If the Castro Regime refuses to provide such services, Cuba will be carpet-bombed until a capitulation is achieved; should Cuba prove unable to handle the caseload, the U.S. will invade Canada;

Privatize all U.S. military services under a single umbrella called the Fossil Fuels Protection Corporation and appoint David Petraeus head of the FFPC at a guaranteed annual salary of $150 million;

Enact a tax on domestic beer sales to raise funds for the FFPC and the intelligence community, but also exempt domestic brewers from federal income taxes and provide them tax credits so that no profits are lost;

Abolish the Federal minimum wage and institute slave labor at a daily wage less than the prevailing wage in China;

Ban all labor unions, including the Screen Actors Guild;

Re-train unemployed teachers, firefighters, and police officers as domestic servants for the wealthy, and pay them five cents per hour more than slave laborers;

Relocate, by force if necessary, all homeless people in the U.S. to the under-populated city of Detroit;

Destroy the Lincoln Memorial and erect a new memorial to former Vice President Dick Cheney.