“But that was some other era, burned out and long gone from the brutish realities of this foul year of Our Lord…” Hunter S. Thompson, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
-Thank you, Mr. Speaker. Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, and fellow citizens, I stand before you as the greatest president in American history, the most popular, most loved, and most successful. Everybody is saying that my first year in office has been one long winning streak for our great country. The stock market is skyrocketing, because of me; our tax code finally makes sense, because of me; ISIS is defeated, because of me; we are taking control of our borders, because of me; violent crime is way down and our inner cities are being reborn, because of me; the middle-class is growing by leaps and bounds, because of me. In one year I have accomplished more than my predecessor did in eight years. Just goes to show what can happen when a real American, who also happens to be a genius -- a very stable genius -- occupies the White House.
-Our ratings are great, we’re breaking records every day. You may have seen that Apple will soon invest $550 billion in manufacturing plants here in America, which means hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of great jobs for American workers. Think of it, very soon, American workers in Wichita and Youngstown and Camden will be assembling iPhones for the world. This is phenomenal, and something my predecessor could never have accomplished because he never understood the art of the deal.
-America is winning again, and winning large, like my favorite NFL team, the New England Patriots. In my first year in office I met with more world leaders and logged more air miles than any president in modern history, and wherever I traveled, people lined the streets, waving, showing their love for me and my brilliant administration and our great country. The people of Saudi Arabia love me, the jews of Israel love me like one of their own, and the inhabitants of Puerto Rico view me as their savior. We are winning across the globe because I put America first like no previous president has done. Who else but me could toss rolls of paper towels to the people like I did when I personally organized the recovery and rebuilding of Puerto Rico, which, I might add, has been a tremendous success. Puerto Rico is back on track.
-Because I always put America first, I pulled our country out of the Paris Climate deal, a terrible deal, and look what happened: our economy is booming, blacks are doing better than ever, women are doing better than ever. All because of me. And while we’re on the subject of women, people are always saying how much I respect women, which is true, nobody respects women more than I do. This is why ten days or so ago women gathered in the streets by the tens of thousands all across the country to march in support of my administration. The fake news media reported that women were protesting, but we know the truth, don’t we?
-A lot of people are saying that my administration is the most transparent and ethical in American history, filled with individuals of the highest personal qualities, very fine people, who would never place private gain above public good. Only I could drain the Washington swamp in a year. Another promise kept. My administration is a well-oiled machine the likes of which has never been seen before. This is why I have passed more legislation in my first year than any other president.
-On the international front the United States has never been more respected. Iran and North Korea understand that I will not tolerate any threat to our great country. My generals, how I love my generals, are prepared to defend America from any foreign threat, and our fighting men and women are the best the world has ever seen. A lot of people are saying that the morale and spirit of our military forces has improved since I became commander-in-chief. I am not afraid to use our military power, including nuclear weapons. Every one of our enemies should know this. I hope Little Rocket Man is listening very carefully.
-Never has our great country been more united. We are one nation under a benevolent God who protects and keeps us safe from the evil in this world. Only I could make this happen, as only I know how to make America great again. All you need to know is that as long as I’m president, we will keep winning. Thank you, and may God Bless the United States of America, and me, of course, your very own dear leader.
1 comment:
You are one sick puppy. ACTUALLY I loved this.
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