Stay the Course

President Bush tossed a pork rind into the air and caught it in his open mouth, took a sip of Coors Light, and winked across the Oval Office at Condi Rice. “Betcha’ I can do that again,” the President said. He lofted another rind, a tad off course and to his left, but he recovered by shifting in his chair, the rind bounced off his nose and into his mouth where it was crunched with tremendous satisfaction. “See what I mean, Condi? Learned that at Yale. Booyah!”

Karl Rove cleared his throat. “Stay the course,” is all he said.

“Bingo,” said the President. “Never said it. Never even intimated it. Hey, that’s a big word, ‘intimated.’ Where’s Bobby Woodward when I need him? I can use a ten dollar word when I feel like it.”

“Never said it,” Condi Rice said, “even though it has been documented 748 times.”

“A minor, insignificant detail,” Rove said. “If we say the President never said ‘Stay the course’ who’s going to argue with us, the national media?” Everyone in the room burst out laughing. “We own the national media,” Rove said, clearly enjoying himself. “The Democrats? I eat Democrats for breakfast!”

“And they taste pretty good,” the President chimed in, “though not as good as these pork rinds. Yummy!”

“I’m not 100% comfortable,” Condi Rice said. ”We’re saying that our policy in Iraq is not our policy. In my opinion, Mr. President, we’re skirting perilously close to the line here. Domestic and international opinion – “

“The truth is what we say it is,” Rove said dismissively. “If we say the President never said ‘stay the course’ in regards to Iraq, then he never did, despite what any objective and impartial evidence may indicate. Those that disagree are traitors or anti-American liberals. We play this the same way we’ve played global warming. Even though it’s absolutely clear scientifically that human activity has altered the global climate, we simply deny the science and question the scientific community’s competence and patriotism, and the entire issue goes away.”

“Listen to Karl, Condi,” the President said. “He’s the man. No problema here.”

Vice President Cheney entered the Oval Office through his private entrance. Cheney was dressed in Army fatigues, a camouflaged hunting vest, paratrooper boots polished to a brilliant shine, and slung over his shoulder was a double-barreled .12 gauge shotgun with a pearl butt. “I heard that last bit,” Cheney said out of the side of his mouth. “We’re in power and it’s our prerogative to define the truth. The average American is stupid and easy to lead around by the nose. If we can convince some shit-for-brains in Middle America that gay marriage is more important to him and his children than bread and butter economic issues, then we can convince him that the President never said ‘Stay the course.’ I’m going duck huntin’. Anyone want to join me?”

“Have fun,” Bush said. “Don’t kill anyone, OK? That might be hard to deny!”